So. It's been over a year since I first started this topic on my sexuality. And I must say that it feels as if alot has changed since then. I wish I could tell you all sorts of amazing stories on how much better my life has gotten, but I would be lying to you all.

The guy I was talking about in my first post in this topic (who used to be my best friend) broke it off. And it's been kind of downhill from there on. I got into a fight with my best friend Jenny, which lead to her spreading my biggest secret all over school (I know how childish that sounds). Luckily for me, it was my last year there so the humiliation only lasted so long. It still amazes me, how many of my 'friends' turned their backs on me. Sure, you hear stories of it happening. But you never realise how quickly and harsh these things go, until it happens to you.

Enjoying what's left of my summer holiday right now, I find myself left with three amazing people who've supported me through the whole thing. Two of them don't even know the truth of the story, but have just heard the rumors. I live in a small town where rumor spreads faster than the speed of light. It's surprising that I can't even show my face ANYWHERE, without being called certain things or looked at. And oddly enough, you get used to it. On the bright side; it spared alot of coming-outs.

In my last year of high school, I fell in love with a classmate of mine. It's been an incredibly hard year for us living with those rumors. But I feel as if it only made us stronger as a couple. The rock bottom for me was last new years eve when my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend and his dozen friends beat up me, my boyfriend, two friends of ours and left us lying there on the pavement. Ever since then, I've noticed that I've changed. It was then when I realised I didn't care anymore about keeping up appearances. I didn't care what people thought of me and my boyfriend. Not to be too dramatic, but I feel as if it made me so bitter. My embarrassment for my homosexuality turned into some kind of hate for whoever didn't approve.

I must admit that even though me and Maarten have been together for almost eight months, I still haven't told my parents about it. Even though I'm sure they already know. So far we've told his aunt, sister, best friend and even his grandmother. And I still haven't gotten to that point where I can. I wish I could be more like him, but I simply don't have the guts yet.

His grandmother (who's not your typicial grandmother, just so you know:P) told us she feels sorry for us..in the way where she realises how tough our lives are going to be from now on. She too realises we're always going to be talked about, looked at. It's something that sometimes just won't go away.

What I regret the most is how my coming out happend. Not by myself, but by someone who I trusted more than anyone in the world. I still have alot to work on. But I feel I shouldn't get too obsessed with my being gay. It can't be healthy. I'm in a fantastic relationship, with someone who loves me more than anything and vice versa. That's all that matters to me. I'm happy with who I am, and I can't wait to fully start a life with him.

I know this is a huge post to read. But I felt like I owed everyone who read this topic an update on how everything's been going so far. I know it's not much, but I'm working on it. I'm really looking forward to hearing other people's stories on how their life is going? I wondered if I'm making things harder for myself, or that things are the way they are because Jenny opened her mouth..

Either way. Thanks alot for listening to my story. I find the people on these boards to be amazing people. It's weird, but you don't find that everywhere. Maybe there's a little Immi in all of us:P Come to think about it, I wonder what her feelings on homosexuality are. Ive never heard her talk about it before.

Coming out stories? Hoo boy, those can be a doozy. In all honesty, mine wasn't really of epic proportion or anything. I mean, I think it was kind of normal and low key; first I just thought I was Bi, then I kinda just realize that wasn't the case, so much I was just looking fro a reason not to be looked at like some out cast. Eventually, I just kinda got over it and started telling people when the situation presented itself. However, I can't say being out and telling people has made me any happier. Sure, its given me more freedom, but living in a place like I do, homophobia and general bigotry run rampant. I've never been attacked for being gay or anything thankfully, but a lot of the times I kinda wish that would happen, and its not cause I have some weird metal quirk or anything, its just that... no one ever talks about it. I mean, any time I try to bring it up, even with friends its always hush-hush, like I'm going to open up the gates of hell if I say anything about it, and its really quite annoying. Even more so though, is that when I try to talk about something, like a guy I think is cute, my female friends start giggling like a bunch of idiots like me being gay is some novelty joke. Quite frankly stuff like that just pisses me off and further reminds me that in a case like this, I don't really have someone to relate with about this in person.

As much as I try not to be like an angsty teen, I really can't help but to feel depressed about a lot of this stuff. I mean, all my friends are straight so the don't understand a lot of the time, not to mention I'm 18 and have never been on so much as a date, let alone ever kissed someone else, and yes I know people say I'm young and I have time and everything like that, but it often gives me this feeling of being... almost broken or something. That I can't even find the affection of someone else, and without that positive reinforcement it sends my mind through a loop and twists my self perception. Honestly, I never had much self confidence to start, and it hasn't gotten any better. In the end it feels like the only person who I can turn to for anything is myself, and I'm especially bad at providing myself any kind of emotional comfort.

The kind of sad thing though is that as much as the internet can be refuge to gay people, I find it sadly pales in comparison to anything real. Sure, the people know what I'm talking about, but seeing written word only subdue my anxiety for a little bit, but I honestly wish I could have that real world comfort of having someone to relate with. I know that there's someone real behind whatever avatar or account or whatever, but there are some things that even the internet can simulate, but no need to go into that.

I apologize for being kind of... emo about all of this, but it really does get to me a lot. Maybe things will pick up as I leave off for college but still, for such a long time of bleak despond, I can't help but just be a little brooding about it. Again, I apologize for that. ^^;

Anyways, I guess thats my kind of state of sexuality.

I hope this helped Aloiv.

It's just hard, in public... owing how people will talk about you.

Okay... Mitholas... you've confused me a tad.

You said you've been out since you were 16 right?
So I'm assuming you're a lesbian...
BUT... you wrote this: "You've managed to find boyfriends. As in, more than one even. I've not managed that." and "In the end, no matter what they say, I'm still gonna like boys and love it, so."
Which makes me wonder if you're a lassie, but straight... and confused.
Or a guy...

And I'm confused because you're picture is a girl.
So... simple question... are you a dude or a dudette?!

Sorry about the confusion... maybe I'm reading it wrong. Sorrrrryyyy!!

Back on topic however, like I said to Fabler, you've have all the time in the world to meet someone. It does take time but you'll find someone eventually. Don't think about it too much. As I found out, when you stop looking for someone, then you meet them!

It's amazing how it happens. I think you just miss the people who matter. I just got my head into the mindframe of "Yeah... I haven't been out with anyone yet, but... I'm not bothered, I have more important things to do at the moment."

WOOP!

Ah, okay I apoligise.

Well in that case, the best thing you can do is ignore it. It's nothing to do with you if they are staring and gossiping. That's simply their own insecurities and something THEY need to deal with and come to terms with.

People who deal with something such as sexuality have a different kind of strength because it's something they go through themselves. They also tend to be more level headed. Or at least I'd hope. Some of my former gay friends leave a little to be desired in terms of personality. I say former, because like school frends, I also reduced contact with them considerably to a point where I didn't speak to them.

I dunno if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I have such a scary lack of attachment to most people.

Anyway, yeah, don't let people you don't even know bother you. It's not your problem. Perhaps if they were in your position they'd understand a little better. But alas.

Lol, this actually makes it that much more fun knowing you're from Belgium. And believe me, as cute as Mike may be; he screws it up by being such a macho-wannabe a-hole. I always say the two years I spent with him were the best two year of my life so far, as well as the worst two.
Believe me, love feels great. But it feels like hell when it's unanswered.

I indeed know Im very lucky to have found someone as incredible as Maarten. But I've had several 'relationships' that didn't last that long, because they were a bunch of manipulative users who weren't even sure about themselves. Believe me, it took me some time to find someone like Maarten. I guess I got lucky.

Please don't start about the climate. I work at a clothing store and I airconditioning broke down a week ago. I'm soaking wet when I arrive home everyday:P

Anyway. You seem to be the kind of person who is so comfortable with his being gay and I majorly respect that. I wish I could be like that, and I really wanted you to know that. I'm sure in time, love will happen. It happens when you least expect it..believe me.,

ps. where did you see me and mike? just wondering:P

So. It's been over a year since I first started this topic on my sexuality. And I must say that it feels as if alot has changed since then. I wish I could tell you all sorts of amazing stories on how much better my life has gotten, but I would be lying to you all.

The guy I was talking about in my first post in this topic (who used to be my best friend) broke it off. And it's been kind of downhill from there on. I got into a fight with my best friend Jenny, which lead to her spreading my biggest secret all over school (I know how childish that sounds). Luckily for me, it was my last year there so the humiliation only lasted so long. It still amazes me, how many of my 'friends' turned their backs on me. Sure, you hear stories of it happening. But you never realise how quickly and harsh these things go, until it happens to you.

Enjoying what's left of my summer holiday right now, I find myself left with three amazing people who've supported me through the whole thing. Two of them don't even know the truth of the story, but have just heard the rumors. I live in a small town where rumor spreads faster than the speed of light. It's surprising that I can't even show my face ANYWHERE, without being called certain things or looked at. And oddly enough, you get used to it. On the bright side; it spared alot of coming-outs.

In my last year of high school, I fell in love with a classmate of mine. It's been an incredibly hard year for us living with those rumors. But I feel as if it only made us stronger as a couple. The rock bottom for me was last new years eve when my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend and his dozen friends beat up me, my boyfriend, two friends of ours and left us lying there on the pavement. Ever since then, I've noticed that I've changed. It was then when I realised I didn't care anymore about keeping up appearances. I didn't care what people thought of me and my boyfriend. Not to be too dramatic, but I feel as if it made me so bitter. My embarrassment for my homosexuality turned into some kind of hate for whoever didn't approve.

I must admit that even though me and Maarten have been together for almost eight months, I still haven't told my parents about it. Even though I'm sure they already know. So far we've told his aunt, sister, best friend and even his grandmother. And I still haven't gotten to that point where I can. Does that make me weak in some way? I wish I could be more like him, but I simply don't have the guts yet.

His grandmother (who's not your typicial grandmother, just so you know:P) told us she feels sorry for us..in the way where she realises how tough our lives are going to be from now on. She too realises we're always going to be talked about, looked at. It's something that sometimes just won't go away.

What I regret the most is how my coming out happend. Not by myself, but by someone who I trusted more than anyone in the world. I still have alot to work on. But I feel I shouldn't get too obsessed with my being gay. It can't be healthy. I'm in a fantastic relationship, with someone who loves me more than anything and vice versa. That's all that matters to me. I'm happy with who I am, and I can't wait to fully start a life with him.

I know this is a huge post to read. But I felt like I owed everyone who read this topic an update on how everything's been going so far. I know it's not much, but I'm working on it. I'm really looking forward to hearing other people's stories on how their life is going? I wondered if I'm making things harder for myself, or that things are the way they are because Jenny opened her mouth..

Either way. Thanks alot for listening to my story. I find the people on these boards to be amazing people. It's weird, but you don't find that everywhere. Maybe there's a little Immi in all of us:P Come to think about it, I wonder what her feelings on homosexuality are. Ive never heard her talk about it before.